Choix
by ebidebi
Summary: Persona 2: Eternal Punishment. An event forces Baofu and Ulala to attempt the impossible; she must mature and he must change.
1. Bourbon

"What can I get for you, miss?"

"Lemon Vodka." I am not an idiot.

"Serizawa…imagine finding you here."

He always had that smirk on his face when he spoke to me. He was so full of himself that he took some kind of crazy enjoyment out of berating me. What a sadist!

"…if I knew your last name, I would call you by it. Leave me alone, Baofu," I muttered, sitting down at a barstool to wait for my drink.

"…fine."

There was that smirk again. I couldn't stand it; I couldn't stand him. "Will you stop looking at me?" I demanded.

"I knew that you couldn't keep your mouth shut much longer." He let out a chuckle. Ugh. What an ugly laugh.

"Shut up. You were provoking me."

He took a swig of his old Kentucky bourbon…it figured that he would bring his own drink to a bar. How the hell did he import that stuff from America, anyway? It must cost a fortune.

"Watching you intoxicate yourself is amusing…you know that the vodka served here is eighty proof, so it should be quick and painless." That damn ugly smirk.

"I'm tougher than that," I retorted, defensively, accepting my drink from the bartender.

"Oh?" he looked down at me over the frames of his glasses. Dirty brown eyes…. "If you could handle more, you'd be drinking something harder."

"Just because I don't enjoy shit that gets me drunk after one sip doesn't mean I couldn't handle it." I was getting irritated. I took a drink of my vodka--it was a bit sour--and looked straight ahead, trying to ignore the idiot in maize next to me. That stupid suit was maize, but I bet that if he heard my thoughts, he would have told me that the suit was 'gold.' Bullshit. I knew gold, and it was not that atrocity.

"Did Amano upset you? Or was it the detective who called you stupid this time?"

I could feel my face getting hot...I needed more alcohol. I downed my vodka quickly and asked the bartender for some bourbon. Hell, I can't stand the stuff, but he was pissing me off.

"Oh my, getting brave? Or just drunk?" His cocked his left eyebrow, suspicion apparent on his face.

"What rise do you get out of insulting me?" I demanded, slamming my glass on the bar for emphasis. "I think you're dumb." I regretted those words as soon as I said them.

He took a swig of his bourbon just as mine was brought out. His was a little higher quality that what was served at Parabellum, but mine wasn't that bad.

"Ulala, you're losing it already? I gave you too much credit," he snickered. God, he looked ugly when he snickered.

"I am not losing it!" I drank the small glass in three sips…why are the servings so tiny here?

"Fine…Ulala, would you like to drink like a man? Allow me to order for you."

"…" I could have classified that little comment as sexism. My tolerance was just as high as his!

"Yes, I will have a Bombay Sapphire and for the _lady_, Dark Rum." I groaned as he stated my order.

"Dark Rum? What's so special about that? I want yours. Bombay Sapphire – never tried that before." I looked at him through narrowed eyes.

"Fine, whatever you'd like."

At the arrival of the drinks, I took a sip of each. The Dark Rum tasted better.

"I'll take the rum."

"Indeed."

We drank in silence. Smooth. I mean, the alcohol, not him. Not me, either, for that matter. So I broke the calm.

"Do you think I'm an idiot?"

"Yes."

I knew that he would say that. "Why?"

"Well, don't you think that you're an idiot? If you didn't, you wouldn't be so worried."

"Excuse me?" I had finished my rum and decided to partake in his drink. It tasted a lot better now.

He sighed and went back to drinking his own bourbon, barely missing a beat. "You leave yourself open for insults because you are insecure." What? Insecure? Bullshit.

"I am not." I swallowed the last sip of his drink. Where did that bartender run off to? I had money to burn!

"Defensive, too," he added. This time, he _offered _me a swig of his bourbon. "Why do you care so much what about what other people think?"

"I want to be loved. I want people to see me as the witty, charming, and talented woman that I am!" I didn't really know what I was saying.

"Not everyone is going to like you."

"…I know. But it would be nice to get noticed once in a while."

"Makimura noticed you," he chuckled. I growled at him and reached into my pocket for my cigarettes.

"Shut up." I pulled out a cigarette and lit it from a candle in the bar. He reached over and took one. By now, we had some sort of unspoken agreement that it was okay to take things from each other, especially when drunk. Drunk. Had he been drinking before he came? He seemed so relaxed.

I sighed. "Don't you want to be noticed?"

"No." He looked down at his bourbon. "Ulala…you've probably already been noticed, it's you who hasn't noticed them."

"Yeah, right. Sorry, that only happens to Maya," I muttered.

"That's where all of this comes from, huh? You're jealous of Amano."

"I am not! I'm just prettier, smarter, and more talented. She just decorates her breasts with hearts to get men," I spat. Baofu rolled his eyes and laughed again, his voice raspy from the smoke.

"I see." His voice was deeper now…almost sexy.

"Well? It's true. I try so hard, but everything just comes naturally to Maya!" It really wasn't fair.

"You try too hard," he replied. I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or genuinely nice. I would take either.

"How else am I supposed to get a husband? If I sit back and wait, I'll end up being unmarried in my thirties!"

He narrowed his eyes at me from behind his glasses. His eyes were unreadable.

"It's different for men! In twenty years or so, I won't be fertile any longer!" I wasn't even sure if I wanted children, but it seemed like a valid complaint. I supposed that I could always adopt, but then I'd probably never have sex again. How bleak. And yet, how very me.

"At least you're still alive."

I wasn't sure what he meant.

"I'm wasting away."

"Just stop, Ulala."

"I'll never get married."

"Stop."

"Maya won."

"Ulala…"

"I'm the better woman…I am."

"You're drunk."

"I'm not."

"…"

"Baofu…it's not fair…"

"Stop, please."

"All the years of lessons and practice and…"

"Enough."

"I'm not an idiot, I'm not."

"You're not."

"I…I…"

"Come on…"

"Yes…"

Anguish…passion, I don't know what happened…I was gone, he was gone, we were alone and together…hands, lips, touch, taste…I can't place where I was, but it didn't matter…only him, and only me…all I knew…Maya wasn't the one…

When I woke up, I was alone in my room…my head ached…and next to me lay an empty bottle of bourbon.


	2. Alive

"Buy her some flowers, she'd like that. Roses, especially, Ulala loves roses." Maya's cheerful voice scarred my tired ears. Maya could be really hard to take at times. "Really, there's nothing to worry about. Even if she is mad, she's still in love with you! Be positive!"

I wasn't in the mood to be positive. Ever.

"I'm not worried. Stop talking."

That didn't stop her.

"Not worried? Your hair's a mess, really. Even so, there's nothing to worry about, I'm sure she'll forgive you, for whatever it is you did! She's so in love with you that all you have to do is call, but then again, she might play hard-to-get and pretend not to even like you. But that's just how she is. You know that. She's forgiven you already, probably. She just won't admit it until you say something. She's kind of a traditionalist. You probably don't need to buy anything, but she'd like anything you gave her." With each sentence, Maya tilted her head in a different, more cheerful direction. She was really a nice person, and had I been in a better mood, I might have been thankful for her input.

But right now, I just couldn't get Maya to go away.

"I don't want to make her fall all over me. I'm sick of being told that she loves me." I picked up a single red rose and examined it closely. Shaking my head, I put it down. This was pointless.

"You must be in love."

She must have selective hearing and a wild imagination. I picked up another bouquet. This was a waste of time. Why should I get flowers for anyone?

"And how do you figure that?" I asked, not looking up.

"From the way you examine every flower in the bouquet as if it isn't good enough for her. Or just how you treat her differently than the rest of us. Or how you always fight with her." Maya winked at me. "Or how you always take care of her before everyone else."

"As a friend." I pushed another bouquet aside. Why were florists selling flowers that were practically wilted? Can't expect much from Sumaru. "What kind of positive world do you live in, Amano?"

"I've seen you look at her!" Maya went on as if she hadn't heard my last comment. "Aw, now you're blushing!"

I wasn't.

"Forget it."

Maya frowned. "Baofu…why do you have to be so difficult?" For the first time all morning, she sounded serious. I glanced over at her. Suddenly, I knew that the solemn Maya would be much worse to deal with. I had seen this look before, but I remained undaunted. I turned away from the flowers and stared down at her.

"I could never be what Serizawa wants," I stated as bluntly as I could. "Leave me out of the little fantasy world you two live in." Maya didn't understand, and Ulala refused to listen.

"How much more are you going to put her through, then?" Maya snapped, getting angrier. "Telling me doesn't do you any good. Get your head out of your ass and tell her."

I had never known Maya to be confrontational. Maybe she really was Ulala's best friend.

Throwing me one last glare, Maya left the shop, colder than I had ever seen her before.

Damn…I knew she was right.

Drunk, again. It seemed like such an empty release now.

Maya didn't know why I had to apologize, but her words had stung. I had told Ulala that I couldn't be what she wanted, but no matter how many times I said it, it didn't change a thing. It didn't change what she thought, and it didn't change what I felt.

There were a lot of things that Maya didn't know.

Ulala and I had made a mistake, and it was my fault that she had the wrong idea about what we had done. She did have the wrong idea, didn't she?

Ulala wasn't speaking to me. She had no good reason for it, actually. I was just ignoring a night we barely remembered. So what?

I supposed that I should be on speaking terms with my new "mate," but that didn't mean I have to love her. It would have been a good prerequisite, but seeing as my interests were otherwise occupied, it was impossible.

Otherwise occupied? How was it that I took Ulala home, then? What had happened to my steel will? I had common sense, even when drunk. And I wasn't as drunk as I pretended that I was that night. But neither was Ulala. It was just a lame excuse for both of us.

Was it such a crime? Ulala loved me, she had told me and it was obvious. Miki would understand. I was just fulfilling the desires of a lost woman, making Ulala happy. I wanted to make her happy. I was tired of seeing her depressed.

Was that a form of love? I wanted Miki to be happy, and she ended up dead. I don't want Ulala dead. Wasn't that also love?

My real fear was that I wanted to be with Ulala again. I knew exactly what that was.

The experience had brought out something completely new in me. I wanted her close to me constantly, I wanted to protect her. Most of all, I wanted to be with her again…she made me feel safe. Like it was all right to be vulnerable. Though much of the night was blurred, I could remember that feeling of fulfillment as clear as crystal. She gave me a peace, an intoxication that could never be trapped in a bottle. Of course, Miki was an intoxication as well. Did I just want to reawaken what I left with Miki?

No. Ulala was nothing like Miki. Miki had wit and confidence. Miki was bright and realistic. She was an understatement, entirely opposite from Ulala's extravagance. Ulala had passion…spirit. Even when we fought, she ignited a flame within me. She gave me energy, even strengthened my will. She was just vivacious.

Maybe I should have bought Ulala some flowers. Maya was right, she would pretend to hate them despite truly loving them.

Ulala loved me. She told me so when she was drunk. Miki never told me she loved me, I never said I loved her, it was just our unspoken understanding. Of course, now I wish it had been spoken.

There's a lot I wish that I had said. Maybe this was my second chance….

Then there was always the off chance that I got Ulala pregnant. I guess she wouldn't be drinking or smoking and longer. My fault. I'd probably get the beating of my life for both of those things. Hell, Ulala always looked more attractive without the cigarette, in my opinion. She'd still look put together, even when she started showing the pregnancy, I imagined.

She at least deserved a rose.

I never bought flowers for Miki.

Could I father a child? Sure, I could produce one, but could I raise a kid? A kid wouldn't want a geezer like me for a father. I used to wonder if I'd have children. If Miki and I did spend the rest of our lives together, would we have brought new people into the world? I'll never know. I wonder what Miki would think: me, a father. I think she wanted children. I think, deep down, Ulala wants children, too, despite the necessary weight gain. Just not yet. Shit.

Maybe I would go farther than speaking terms with her, then. We'd move, ideally. This is not the place to raise a child. I can't see Ulala and myself in a countryside mansion, though. We could stay in Sumaru if the child could use Personae. Could that be taught? Maya taught Ulala, from what I have been told.

Bitterly, I shook the thoughts from my head. The alcohol was affecting me faster than I thought it would. She wasn't pregnant. She'd be much, much angrier if she was. I took another swig of bourbon. I must have been totally wasted—I was creating troubles before they even happened. Going for the worst case scenario. With my luck, that was how things usually went, bad to worse.

Was I to old to be a lover to Ulala? Or moreover, was she too young for me? Did I just long for my lost youth and see it in her? I was getting pretty senile. I pretty surprised that a young "spark" like Ulala wanted anything to do with me, then I learned about her history with men. I couldn't help but smirk at the thought. Then again, there were only seven years between us, and Ulala didn't seem to mind. She even seemed to like my "crotchety" personality, the crazy little drunk.

I know Miki would not like what I've become. I was always cynical, but without her death, I wouldn't have become so reclusive. All along, I didn't want to get close to anyone else, because I couldn't go through it all again…and I thought I would be betraying Miki. But keeping my distance from Ulala was becoming harder every day, and if I lost her like I lost Miki…I groaned. Was I being disloyal to Miki? Dishonoring her death? Without her death, I would never have met Ulala. Both edges cut deep, and I felt guilty.

Not everyone got a second chance…but did another chance constitute betrayal?

This shouldn't be an issue. I can't give myself to Ulala because I belong to Miki. Everything I do is for Miki, that's it. When Miki died, I died.

But…with Ulala…I couldn't help but feel alive again.

It was the alcohol controlling my thoughts. I knew the truth…Miki wanted me to move on, and Ulala was waiting for me. All I had to do was go.


	3. Roses

            I hate paperwork.

            "Yukio Machida…found in Peace Diner…returned safely to aunt and uncle…possible motives unknown…forty thousand yen…" Accounting was my least favorite part. I hated paperwork almost as much as I hated math. Kaoru didn't handle any of the formalities, and he always ignored me when I asked him for help…either that or he'd complain that I complain too much. So, I always ended up staying late in the office…alone.

            I tried to call him Kaoru, but he was still Baofu to me, even though he had his revenge. Kaoru was a name that was entirely more fitting, but it was so hard to get used to. Like, what if Maya up and asked me to call her Yumi or something like that? It was going to take some time.

            I went through another stack of files, making sure that everything was in order one last time.

            Finished…finally…time to head home.

            I turned out the lights, locked the door, and headed to my car. As I unlocked the door and sat down, I smiled. It's a good thing that Maya didn't need to drive to work – she took the bus. The thought of that woman loose behind the wheel in Sumaru was too frightening to bear. However, _I_ was a good driver.

            I still lived with Maya, but I really only slept there. Most of my days were spent at the office with Bao. Just a few years ago, I would sleep until after noon, wake up and lie around, maybe talk to my friends, and then leave at night to go out, dance, and get drunk. When I first started working, I would get up at seven, work, and then go out. Now I just worked…all the time. It was like I was a salarywoman or something.

            The night was young when I finally got home, but I didn't much feel like going out. My eyes were tired from staring at numbers all day and sitting had worn out my neck. I hadn't gone out since Maya and I had gone to Seven Sisters High School.

            I parked and headed to the building.

            Upon reaching and entering the apartment, I found Maya sprawled on the floor in her pigsty, listening to a CD. She had spent all of her money on that CD player. In my opinion, she should have just hired a good cleaning lady. How could one room get so messy? Books and magazines were tossed all over the room, along with mountains of clothes. The floor was so coated that I could barely distinguish Maya from her laundry.

            "Ulala! Hey! How are you? Late night at work?" She looked up and greeted me with the same huge, aspartame-ridden smile that she had been using since high school. It was the same way she smiled at other people's pets. But Maya rarely dealt with me on a personal level these days.

            She always looked happy enough to see me though, but she seemed really tired lately…I think she just didn't know what to say to me anymore, let alone deal with everything going on in her mind. She and I just didn't have the ease of conversation that we used to. Losing Tatsuya was harder for her than she put on, but everything was harder for her than she pretended, because Maya could smile through anything.

            "Yeah, lots of paperwork…you know me, always putting in extra hours!" I replied. What a good worker I was. Ha.

            "Good for you, Ulala," Maya replied, turning off her CD player with the chrome-colored remote. "How is that going, the man-searcher business?" She and I hadn't really talked about it much, actually, since I was always gone.

            "Better than selling bras," I answered. Was Maya really striking up a conversation with me? She had seemed even more out of it than usual, lately, so I tended to leave her alone.

            "Is…everything going well?" she continued, stressing the word 'everything.' Was she prying? Maya Amano? Insane. But then again, we had all changed.

            "Well, no, actually, things aren't all going well," I admitted. If she wanted to know…I could tell her. She was still my best friend, after all. She was used to hearing me pour my heart out to her, but she didn't usually ask me to.

            "Tell me!" Maya winked at me good-naturedly, and patted the floor next to her. I kicked aside a few shirts and a bra with my foot to clear a space and sat on the floor…it was sticky. I should have known. I'd be going to bed soon anyhow, so I could change my clothes after sitting on her toxic floor.

            "Bao and I aren't getting along very well." You see, I slept with him a few months ago and he hasn't spoken of it ever since and I'm really fed up with him leading me on and not telling me what's going on in his fucked up head! For some reason, it didn't seem right to tell Maya all that much, even though it was usually my style to share every intimate detail of my relationships, few and far between as they were. Had it been any other man, I think I would have.

            "Did you fight again?" she asked sympathetically.

            "Ma-ya, we fight all the time!" I rolled my eyes. "But…Baofu—I mean Kaoru, always seems so distant…so far from me, and it's really pissing me off! We're partners, and he doesn't tell me anything," I insisted. She must be confused, not getting the whole story. Bao talked about work, all right. But I never specified exactly what he wasn't telling me, so it wasn't totally a lie; it just wasn't the complete truth. I knew she would be supportive anyhow, because she was Maya Amano, everyone's big sister. Lost little Ulala with the big heart and even bigger purse needed a big sister. Even though I was the older one.

            "Well, he's not the most congenial person, Ulala…" Maya pointed out. I knew that, of course. Baofu didn't even talk about anything _but_ work with me, let alone our little 'scandal.' Every time I brought out something not related to work, it was like picking a fight. He wouldn't even try to be civil. I never expected him, as a friend, to be warm and open like Maya, but I did expect to be treated with courtesy.

            "All things considered," Maya went on. "He trusts you more than anyone else, as far as I can tell."

            "What are you talking about?" I demanded. Trust? I always got the feeling that Baofu didn't trust anyone father than he could throw those damn coins of his, let alone trust me.

            "You're so observant, Ulala, I'm surprised you didn't notice!" Maya jokingly slapped my leg for emphasis. I hated it when she did that. "Kaoru's always doting on you, in his own way." It was easy for Maya to use his name, she barely knew him.

            "Doting?" I didn't think Baofu was the doting type, either. I rubbed the spot where Maya had slapped me…I wondered if she did that to anyone else? Maybe she just liked hitting me.

            "Don't you remember? Whenever we fought, he always tried to protect you, even though he knew perfectly well that you could take care of yourself. Even now, he's obviously more comfortable around you than around anyone else. He wouldn't have gone into business with you if he didn't trust you. Plus, he's always starting fights with you, and I think he only does that for people he really likes. That's his way of doting," she told me with a mischievous grin. "Plus, haven't you noticed him…checking you out from time to time? I've caught it."

            Damn. She had a lot of reasons. Since when did Maya make it her business to study Baofu? And since when was he some kind of gallant superhero? And weirdest of all – checking me out? The world inside Maya Amano's head was a strange one.

            She sighed, sitting up and drawing her thighs to her chest. She wrapped her arms around her legs so she was in a tiny little Maya-ball.

            Maya was thinner than me and taller than me…but then again, Maya didn't eat like a horse, smoke, or consume empty calories from alcohol on a regular basis. When I used to complain to Maya about my weight, she'd just smile and say something encouraging like, 'You're all muscle, Ulala! I'm just a weakling.' She used to always know what to say to me. I guess I had needed someone to stroke my ego back then.

            "I just…I think that you two could work so well together! I really just want to see you happy, Ulala," Maya said.

            Happy?

            "…really Maya?" She was such a busy girl, with so many friends…but maybe she still knew how to talk me down, the flaming red hothead. Or maybe she was really being honest about this. Maybe it was a little bit of both.

            "Ever since we met, I've wanted you to be happy. And I guess I see that even when you and Kaoru fight…. Well, you've never seemed so happy with anyone else," Maya avowed. She smiled encouragingly, and I knew she was telling the truth. Damn it, she _was_ perfect. Was I really that easy to read?

            "I may be happy with him…but I don't think he's happy with me," I replied. Suddenly, looking at the floor seemed much more interesting than looking at Maya while she talked to me. Was that a spider stuck in the melon soda spill to my left?

            "Ulala…you care so much about everyone, you should give yourself some credit, too!" Maya exclaimed. She stood up and stretched her arms above her head, letting out a yawn. "You know him better than I do, I suppose, but maybe you should try watching him more closely," she continued. "Anyhow, you need sleep! You always get up so early now!" Maya let loose another grin, this one more sugary than artificial, and I stood up. It took some effort, as my butt stuck to the disgusting floor. I smiled back at Maya regardless.

            "You know, Maya, I'll always be there for you, if you need me." And I meant it. "You don't have to keep everything inside."

            Maya's smile turned a bit sad. "Thanks," she replied. "I know."

            After this, I bid Maya a thankful goodnight and stepped through the door to my room. Maybe she would open up to me instead of just listening, so that I could fulfill my duty as best friend.

            At least Maya trusted me, which automatically placed her higher on my short list of confidants than Bao. But then again, if Maya was right….

            I changed my clothes, and put the outfit I had been wearing into a laundry bag and closed it (Maya's floor was just gross). Once I was finished, I rolled out my futon.

            For just a moment, I looked around the room…immaculate, as always, with very little personality. Just some memoirs from all of my lessons, and a few pictures of Maya, me…a couple of the Suou brothers, even one of Nanjo and Eriko. There were no pictures of Baofu – the opportunity never seemed to come for that – but the bottle of bourbon was still here, on my dresser.

            Laying down upon my futon, the meaning of Maya's advice sunk in…why had Baofu brought me back to my bed? And why did he leave me with a bottle of his bourbon? I was certain that he only saw me as a friend. Maybe even a close friend, but surely nothing more.

            Maybe he wanted to let me know that he did care more than that.

            Not that I could hold him responsible for something that we did while drunk…or could I?

            He once told me that he could never give me what I wanted...I remembered that clearly. I thought he was just making it absolutely clear that he didn't like me, but I had wondered why he had let me down in such a weird way. Had he sounded regretful? Was he sorry that he could never be a perfect husband in a white suit with a bouquet of red roses and a fresh-cooked meal on the table?

            Was that what I wanted? That just wasn't him. Sure…one or two years ago, all I wanted was to get married before my biological clock stopped. I probably would have taken anyone.

            Then, I met Baofu.

            God, that sounds corny.

            And now…all of that sounded ridiculous. I would rather have him, not some mail-order groom. Just Baofu. It was weird, because I couldn't even pick out one thing that I liked about him. I had liked Makimura's hair, and my previous boyfriend had a nice butt. I always chose my club mates by their eyes, their clothes, or something superficial like that. And they went through all of the gestures, dating, flowers, picnics, and movies…and I always ended up fucked in the end.     I didn't want roses. Roses wilted. Roses looked pretty, but squeeze them, and the thorns made you bleed. I could see Baofu's thorns; he didn't hide them behind a pretty façade.

            I hated Baofu's clothes, he was bony and kind of stick-like, and his smiles irritated me to no end, and he never did anything romantic. But I picked him anyway, and it sure as hell wasn't for his looks.

            So I picked him for his _personality_? I was a total nutcase.

            I didn't like anything about him, and yet I loved him. It was no wonder Maya hadn't been talking to me as much. I was completely insane.


	4. Deep

"I don't like it here."

That was the fifth time. "I'm aware."

"Good. I don't see why we had to come here in the first place."

"Serizawa, we had a lead."

"Well, why did we have to come at night?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Who comes here during the daytime?" I muttered, turning to give Ulala a sharp look. Truthfully, I didn't like being in Sumaru's "red light district" either, but I wasn't complaining.

"And remember, once we get there, I'm not going in," she insisted, tightening her grip on my arm. She giggled nervously. "Besides, you look like an old pervert."

I sighed. Rather than mention that if I was an old pervert, she was my whore, I chose the high route. I was too tired to argue. "This is work, Ulala." I was, though, quite sick of this particular type of case. Recently, there had been several cases with frantic parents wondering where their daughters disappeared to at night…we had already had to deal with two karaoke box panty shot schoolgirls and three young prostitutes.

I hated this area of Sumaru. On every corner, without fail, there was some man asking how much my whore cost or how much I cost. Since I already had a woman with me, most of the girls left us alone, but occasionally, they propositioned, too. At least we had a good cover.

We continued walking, past a man with no teeth, and I stopped in front of a sleazy building with no signs or markings of any kind.

"This is it."

"I'll wait outside," Ulala insisted, letting go of my arm.

"It's worse out here, I'd imagine." I replied, hesitating. "What are you afraid of, Serizawa?"

"Nothing!" she replied, suddenly very interested in the ground. I groaned.

"Come on." I wanted her with me. "I don't trust anyone down here." I wanted to protect her.

I really have become soft. Of course, she hadn't noticed. It didn't matter what I said…Ulala would never pick up on any small details I may have given. Maybe I was glad for that, though. If she listened, she would know too much. But no, she wants some loud frilly declaration, something I won't give.

"I'd rather wait outside. If anyone comes near me, I'll kick their ass!" she insisted, throwing a few punches for emphasis. Right. She chose now to feign bravery. Just a few steps ago, she was clinging to me as if something was about to bite her. Ulala was entirely too easy to read. I didn't want anyone else taking advantage of that.

"You're coming in." I need you.

Did I really want her to interpret the things I said? What would I do if she understood me? I had never considered that. Ulala probably though our relationship one-sided…was it? I'd admit that I cared for her, of course…but it wasn't any sort of unbreakable bond.

Then again, there was the small nagging feeling reminding me that for the first time in a long time…I was glad that I hadn't died yet.

"I'll be fine out here. I'll stand guard, in case Furumura runs out," Ulala insisted, rolling up her sleeves.

Hiroko Furumura was the girl we were trying to find. Her parents had been calling all week, since one of our previous charges tipped us off that Hiroko was known to sell her panties at this particular shop. The thought of buying used underwear was disgusting to me. Then again, there were few parts of the district that I understood. Objectification and fixation just seemed so empty. Meaningless sex was just that…worthless.

So Ulala did mean something to me. My instincts right now were proof of that: protect. Preserve.

I couldn't wait until this was over...maybe Ulala and I could talk. We hadn't done much of that lately, at least not about things other than work. Even then, we did a lot more fighting. As if we shared a secret but kept it from each other anyhow.

"Let's just get this over with," I suggested. "It'll be quicker with both of us. We can get a drink afterwards." I could tell that we were going to need it.

She wouldn't meet my eyes. Although she kept very close, she still seemed quite interested in whatever insects were crawling around her feet. Perhaps it was her designer boots that she was admiring. Tentatively, I reached out for her chin, lifting it so that I could look at her. In those pale brown eyes of hers, I was surprised to see fear. I rarely dared to make deep eye contact with Ulala. While I could easily just look at her when we spoke, the last time I had really searched her through her eyes, things had become intimate.

Now that I had tried again to read her, I understood why…her eyes were beautiful…they looked so desperate…so insecure. I found it harder to keep my thoughts on mansearching, since searching Ulala was much more alluring. I wanted to comfort her.

"I won't let anything happen to you." The statement of solicitude escaped my throat before my mind had a chance to think better of them. I prepared for the initial shock of regret, but it never came. Instead, my longing grew…just her face, just her eyes, that was all it took…this place didn't seem so rough when I was looking at her.

"Bao…" she breathed. I couldn't tear my gaze away from her lips as she said my "name." She rarely used my real name anymore, but I didn't really care. It was an odd sort of pet name, 'Bao,' and hearing her say it was comforting.

Damn. It really was too late. I was kidding myself if I thought I could stop it.

She was trembling. My concern didn't seem to ease her worry. Her eyes gave the impression of shame.

"Is it really that frightening?" My hand, which had still been holding her chin, slid up to rest on her cheek. I couldn't hide or hold back the affection in that touch. The woman had me; she was mine as well. "What? What is it?" Tell me…

She broke our connection, looking away.

"I-I've been here before," she muttered, once again staring at her shoes. "I really needed some money, didn't want to run to my family again, and it seemed like a good idea at the time…well, I was drunk…and I do stupid things when I'm drunk."

Was that all she was upset about? "I don't care what you did with your panties." I replied. What I cared about was the fact that she said she did stupid things when she was drunk. Did she think we did something stupid? Was she making a hint for me to catch? It was rash, but for her to come out and say it.

I had to calm down. I had to calm her down, too. The situation was dire enough. I jerked her head up towards mine, leaned down and pressed my lips hard against hers. It wasn't a gentle kiss, or even a kiss at all; it housed my aggravation and impatience with her. I let go of her face somewhat roughly, trying to ignore the gratification that even the brief, rough connection brought. Even though there was more disgust than desire, I was starved.

"Come on," I murmured. I didn't look into her eyes, but I saw the regret on her face. It seemed I had finally convinced her…perhaps she was starved as well? Or maybe she was just sick of me and regretting another drunken mistake.

She followed me to the door, keeping more distance than usual, I noted. Upon reaching the door, I knocked, since I didn't know what else to do.

"They're not going to answer," Ulala muttered, pushing me aside. I widened my eyes and looked down at her over the rims of my glasses. She had removed a hairpin from the twist on top of her head and was using it to pick the lock.

"You should have mentioned you were the expert on this place, porn star," I chided.

"Jerk!" Ulala shot back, turning around and stomped on my foot with her heel. We certainly had a sick, twisted way of flirting. My foot didn't really hurt, because she didn't want it to. "It wasn't like that."

"I know," I replied, almost too quiet for her to hear. She turned her attention back to the lock. She deftly wiggled the pin around until we both head the triumphant click of the mechanism.

"There. The front part is just a fake magazine stand, you have to go around to the back," she informed me. I was still curious how she knew so much if she only sold her undergarments here one time, but that could wait. She held back on opening the door, so I stepped ahead, turned the knob, and pushed the door open.

Sure enough, there were a few racks sparsely adorned with magazines. Saita, CanCam, Egg…they all seemed to be geared towards women and girls. They also looked like extremely old issues.

"Some front, hmm," I noted. Ulala was looking worse by the second. She pointed to the back.

"Bao…I hate this place. Just…expect anything," she advised, gesturing for me to go in front of her. I didn't mind.

We had reached a black door that would have looked like part of the wall, were it not for the cheap, peeling hinges.

I pulled the door open and…well, it was pretty shocking.

Rows and rows of school uniforms, panties, and bras…disgusting…I felt Ulala creep closer behind me.

"State your business!" a middle-age man demanded, looking up from his chair. He was balding and just short of obese. My eyes scanned the room, noticing several doors in back, opposite the racks of used clothes. Ulala was hiding behind me.

"We," I stepped to the side to bring Ulala into view. I noticed the man start. "Are mansearchers, and we've been hired to find Hiroko Furumura."

"I'm sorry, I don't know any Furumura," the man replied, looking back at the newspaper he was holding, nervously. I was tempted to call Katsuya…even though he wasn't on the force anymore, places like this needed to be shut down, and I could tell that the shopkeeper was getting more anxious by the moment.

"I think you do," I continued, stepping forward. The shop owner's hand kept reaching to his side, as if a nervous tick.

"There's a lot of women here, they all look the same, I don't know if maybe I had a Hiroko, maybe it was a Hisako," he stammered. I walked closer, staring at the man.

"I don't have all night," I stated…there were so many things I would rather be doing.

"I…I can't disclose information about any of the girls who come here," he went on, his eyes darting to the left and right.

"Stuff it, Akama." It was the first time Ulala had spoken since we entered the room, and it startled me. There was something she wasn't telling me.

"Ulala…how nice to see you again! I…I see you still can't do any better than me…" Akama stuttered, shifting his weight from right foot to left.

"Shut up! I'm gonna kick your ass if you don't tell me where Furumura is…I know you never forget a girl. And don't even try to use your pathetic Perso-" I heard a rustle. There was a large cabinet next to the school uniforms.

"Serizawa, over there," I muttered discreetly, pointing to the cupboard.

"I heard it," she replied. "Come on out, Hiroko, its okay." She was keeping her guard up, so I followed suit.

A girl who couldn't have been much over 5 feet tall emerged from her hiding and ran towards Ulala like a lost child to her mother. I had forgotten that Hiroko Furumura was only fourteen…and suddenly, I felt even sicker. Just as I turned my head, I saw Akama heading for one of his back rooms.

"Akama, Ulala, look!" I yelled, reaching for my coins. Just as he reached the door, I perfected my aim and landed a shot straight on his hand.

"Shit…Persona!" Akama grunted, throwing his non-injured hand into the air. He was attempting to summon what looked like a Kerepres…he could use Persona? Then I felt it. Resonance. Even a low level Persona like his could be a threat, depending on upon the user. However, Ulala already had her Persona at the ready…she always had been ridiculously fast. She also seemed to know things that I did not.

"Shaka, come." She had cast Hypnotic Wave, buying me time to bring out my own Persona. I didn't even know what this man had done, but Ulala seemed intent on punishing him. I decided to just knock him out. There would be time for questioning later.

"Hastur," I summoned. I had a weird assortment of Persona on me today…I hadn't really been expecting the need to use any. I cast Aquary Tide, leaving the man unconscious on the floor.

"What the hell was that all about?" I demanded to Ulala. "Do you know him?"

"I knew you would react like this! Go ahead, tell me I'm a stupid slut for dating him! Tell me!" Ulala screamed back, radiating adrenaline.

"I don't care! You should have told me that you had information on this case, instead of playing dumb! But that would be out of character for you, wouldn't it?" I shot back.

"Let's just take him to the police, now!" suggested Hiroko with urgency. She looked almost as scared of Ulala and me than of Akama. I had completely forgotten about the child.

"Hiroko's right." I sighed. "Let's get the hell out of here, and I'll take him to the police. You can take Hiroko home and then meet me there," I said. My urges to protect Ulala were just as strong as ever, but for some reason…my pride wouldn't let me voice them.

"No. She's coming with us," Ulala insisted. "I need to make sure she's okay first." Hiroko smiled thankfully and hovered closer to Ulala.

Since when was Ulala so maternal? I knew she had expressed interest in becoming more feminine, but motherly?

It was kind of a turn on.

Get out of the gutter, Saga.

"Fine. Let's all go to the police," I gave in.

"Are you the only girl here, Hiroko?" Ulala asked. Okay, so maybe I was a little put off that Ulala was so concerned for this girl she had never met when she held out on vital information to the case. But right now, Hiroko's safety was more important.

"Yes," she replied, still looking up at Ulala, as if she was some kind of saint.

I needed a drink.

We escorted Hiroko to the police station, Akama in tow. I didn't say a word for the whole walk, but Ulala and Hiroko were chatting animatedly over the latest episode of some drama. I didn't think Ulala liked that garbage, but I can't say it really surprised me.

"Can you believe what Toshiro told Fumi last week?" Hiroko giggled. It was nice to hear her happy, but I didn't catch much else of the conversation. I was watching Ulala. Every few minutes, I saw her steal a glance at me, but look away when I caught her. I was beginning to doubt if I wanted company for my drink. Company meant I would have to face Ulala, and I just knew I would fuck it up.

But I had already lost Miki…could I stand to lose Ulala as well? At this rate, it would probably kill me. Damn…she was already so close to me. I didn't want to let her go. I wished I could be calculating, but I really didn't know what I was doing, and my impulses took over. I stopped walking.

"I'm sorry."

Ulala froze. As if slowed down, she made an exaggerated turn to look at me.

"…" For just one brief moment, our eyes met. At that second, words were unnecessary. I came alive, but….

We were pulled back to earth.

"If we don't hurry, he'll wake up," Hiroko whispered, as if she was nervous to break the bond between Ulala and myself. She looked quite confused.

"Right," Ulala murmured, looking away. Ulala, of course, knew what I was apologizing for.

Shit. There was no backing out now.

We all began walking again, almost to the police station. I just wanted to drop off the girl and be alone with Serizawa. What a foreign concept. I had no idea what I'd do if we were alone, but the idea sounded better than work.

Once we arrived, I could tell that even Ulala was getting impatient. Filing police reports didn't sound too appealing, in comparison to other things.

"Can you testify?" she asked Hiroko softly. The younger girl nodded and turned to a rookie officer sitting behind the desk. If only Suou was here, he could take care of this…. I listened to the girl's story, but I wasn't really into it.

So, Serizawa's ex was into young girls and their underwear, and he ran a shop and videotaped girls doing odd things for his own purposes…disgusting. Furumura was his latest conquest- a friend had told her to go to Akama's shop to sell her used unmentionables. Like most girls, she wanted designer clothes. Again, disgusting. Akama had told her she could make some extra money if she stayed with him, but when he asked her to do things she didn't want to and she tried to go home, he threatened her with force. Pathetic…threatening a child simply because he could, because he got off on power. Akama hadn't let Furumura return to her parents for the past week. Although he never struck her and he kept her well fed, Hiroko seemed pretty shaken up, so I was certain that things went on that she wasn't comfortable with.

I felt another lurch in my stomach, listening to her talk. Ulala kept rocking back and forth, staring straight at the knocked out Akama. A part of me wanted to hold her…but I couldn't. Still, it was unnerving to see her broken up about a case, even one of such personal nature.

The police placed a warrant and arrest on Akama, and at my suggestion, they sent Hiroko home with a few police escorts. Ulala made no statement of protest.

There was a lot of money riding on this case, and it was over, but it really didn't matter anymore. Another pervert would be locked up, and Hiroko would be home safe. She'd probably be in trouble, once the joy of having her back wore off.

Stepping out of the station, I turned around. Ulala was following very slowly.

"You okay?" I asked, hesitating. She nodded, but said nothing. "You're so difficult," I sighed, not knowing what else to say. I set off to my apartment, but I didn't hear Ulala following me. Her slow steps sounded as if she was heading in the opposite direction. Once again, I looked behind me. She was headed for the Lunar Palace, I knew it. Maybe she needed Maya right now, but maybe she needed me, or she was just waiting for me to let her know that I didn't mind being needed.

"You…want to come with me?" I stammered. Ulala stopped, but said nothing. "Home. Do you want to come home with me?" I didn't make it sound very romantic, but she got the picture. Ulala turned around and lifted her head. If she was happy about my question, she didn't show it.

"Okay."

We began walking, and Ulala caught up and fell into step with me. Once the realization of what I had just done set in, I couldn't look at her…the last time I brought her back to my house, I had been half-drunk and determined to forget. This time, I was completely sober, and yet I felt like I had even less of an idea of what I was doing.

"You should have told me you had information about the case," I muttered.

"I know. But I didn't want you to find out," she whispered.

Suddenly, I felt like a jerk. Of course she didn't want to tell me. I sighed.

"We all do stupid things when we're young," I finally responded. This didn't seem to give Ulala any comfort. We walked in awkward silence for another block. "You going to tell me what's up with you and Akama?" I chanced, hoping to get her to speak up so that she would get back to being herself. Her silence was so uncharacteristic, and it was unnerving.

"Not much, really. Old boyfriend."

I gave her a strange look.

"He had hair then. He wasn't fat, either," Ulala explained. "When I sold him my stuff, he offered me more money, so I took him on some dates. I thought he just wanted to be seen with me. And who wouldn't?" She grinned weakly, somewhat resigned. "Then, that bastard tried to rope me into being his bitch. Unluckily for him, I was more of a fighter than Hiroko…I just…well, it just hit a little close to home back there. I thought…it could have been me." She fell silent again, and I could tell that her last sentence was what had been worrying her the most.

"You sure know how to pick 'em…" I muttered, potentially insulting myself. "How old were you?"

"Twenty. I didn't know that I could use Persona yet, but I did a lot of working out, so he didn't stand a chance," she replied, her spark returning little by little. The talking seemed to have worked. Talking was one of Ulala's many hobbies.

"You were lucky." It was a lie. She wasn't lucky, she was strong. Ulala shrugged. There was still something nagging at me. "How did you know that he could use Persona?" I asked.

"I remembered the resonance," she replied simply. "I didn't know what it was at the time, but I figured it out."

I never gave Ulala enough credit.

We had reached my apartment, and I was fishing in my pocket for my keys. The silence was a little more comfortable now.

I opened the door. We were just standing in the doorway, me looking straight ahead like a nervous kid. I didn't know what to do next…everything seemed awkward. Should we keep talking? Go for the bed? Pour some bourbon?

"Can we go in?" Ulala asked, just a little bit whiny. "I'd really like to sit." She was back.

I moved to let her inside and stared at the door, deliberating. Shutting the door was safe. Or was it? That would mean I had no way out if I screwed up. Screw it.

I shut the door as Ulala wandered in. The apartment wasn't anything to be proud of, just a bathroom, and a combination kitchen/bedroom/living room. I could afford something better, but it didn't really make a difference to me. She began looking at the walls, and I felt a bit embarrassed at the emptiness of everything. It just didn't look lived in. The only proof of habitation was the unmade bed and a few articles of clothing on the floor. Even the ashtray on the small table was empty, a dead giveaway of the amount of time I spent in my apartment. In one corner, there was a disorganized mess of computer equipment, but I just hadn't been able to get comfortable since I lost my flat in Narumi.

"Do you want something to eat? Drink?" I asked, watching her examine my space. The last time she was here, neither of us had been very concerned with the décor.

"What do you have?" she asked, neatly setting down the belt she had picked up onto my bureau.

I laughed. I knew she meant drinks. And I knew she meant alcohol, the drunk. "Whatever you want. Bourbon, sake, wine…" I almost said champagne, which I did have, but….

"Vodka?" she requested.

I laughed…Ulala and her damn vodka. But a little alcohol would be relaxing…I needed it.

I grabbed the bottle, then to the cupboard for two glasses. Walking back out to the main room, I saw that Ulala was now sitting at my table. I handed her a glass and poured the vodka, and then sat down on the cushion opposite hers, pouring myself a glass.

"Thanks…" she replied, taking a long sip. As she drank, I could see that she needed it as much as I did.

We drank in silence for a while longer, just looking at each other. What was there to say?

I watched my companion's eyes meander back to soaking in the room. I knew the clutter was probably driving her crazy.

"I remember that," Ulala voiced suddenly, perking. "That's mine." She pointed at the floor to the left of my bed. There laid a long strip of gauze from Ulala's hands. "You unwrapped it…" she continued. I didn't need to be reminded. I remembered perfectly well. I'd wanted to feel her touch...it was intoxicating, at the time. Probably still was now.

"Do you want it back?" I asked. I regretted saying that as soon as the words left my mouth. I should have told her that line about wanting to feel her touch, she would have liked that better.

"No," she replied, holding up her hands to show me fresh tape. "I'm good." She looked disappointed that I hadn't taken the opportunity to be romantic. She was always so impatient.

Impulses…damn impulses.

I set down my drink and reached across the small table to Ulala's hands. I took them in mine and once again began to unravel the tape. Glimpsing up at her face, I almost laughed when I noticed how wide her eyes were. Once I had removed all of the wraps, I set them aside on the table but kept hold on her hands. They were cold, and I wanted them warm. It felt so familiar, and satisfying.

"Thanks," she told me. I wasn't sure what she was thanking me for, but I didn't really want to ask.

"You're welcome."

Since she had removed a hairpin, her coif was falling out of place. She didn't seem to care. She really had changed since I first met her. Back then, she would have spent hours refastening the pin until she looked perfect, because perfect moments only happen to perfect people, or some bullshit like that.

She had liked me from since we first met. She was always joking with Maya about how no one could like me, and that she was just taking pity on me by paying me attention. I don't think anyone was fooled.

Looking back, I don't understand how it happened. I didn't really see myself as an amicable person, but she had still managed to fall in love with me, due to her innate ability to pick the worst man possible. I was not so quick on her…but I had felt it coming. Ever since that thing about her being a Cash Dispenser, or whatever it was. Maybe it was just because I knew she had feelings for me. Maybe it was because she made me feel sort of young, bickering with her like an idiot. Or maybe it was because she made me want to move on. But was too late to turn back now. We certainly had…something between us.

Instead of thinking, I looked at her. She was a still a little disheveled from the stressful day (life).

"Your hair," I murmured, reaching up to it. How on earth did she get it styled like that? I attempted to remove the pins, but it was no use. Noticing my struggle, Ulala smiled this peaceful smile, reached up, gently pushed my hands out of the way, and swiftly took out five or six pins. Her hair fell gracefully, just touching her shoulders.

It looked pretty strange when she let it down…the white ends clashed with the red even more. I wondered, for a moment, what she looked like with natural, black hair, but figured that I would never find out. Once again, I stretched out my arm for it, twirling a captured lock between my fingers.

For having been dyed and bleached so much, her hair was surprisingly soft.

"I'd never expect you to be so fascinated with hair," she teased, reaching for my own overgrown hair. She worked her fingers into it, her touch tingling my scalp. "With all this, mine seems kind of boring." She laughed a little and stroked my head like she might pet a cat. Maybe I needed a haircut.

Craving had long since taken over my mind, and I silenced her laugher by running my hand across her lips and over her cheek. She took in a breath and her eyes locked with mine. Her eyes were wide with surprise but there was some desire there, too. I was pretty sure that my own wishes were plastered on my face. Even Ulala picked up on that, and the corners of her lips turned up in a smile.

If eye contact was a dangerous thing, looking at her lips was suicide…but it was a pretty good way to go.

It was too late to fight it. None of my old excuses sounded better than just giving in. Suddenly, I wished there wasn't a table between us (not that it was very big). Maybe she was getting better at this, because she pushed the small table out of the way with her free hand and leaned towards me, and without thinking about it, my arms had moved from her face to around her back and she was on me.

Suddenly, the night seemed a lot better.

Sometime later, we were lying in bed. There were still plenty of things that needed to be said between us, but not talking about it had proven to be much more interesting. Now the exhaustion of the day had caught up to us. I was barely awake when I heard Ulala's lazy voice beside me.

"Bao?"

"Mm," I grunted.

"I'm going to clean your apartment tomorrow."

I couldn't help but chuckle. I guess that meant she would be here more often. Maybe it was just the drowsiness getting to me, but it didn't seem like such a bad thing.

* * *

After 5 years, this story is done. I will never write a story in first person again.


End file.
